hey bloggie.. was juz pondering over yesterday's comments... well.. if my genuine care n concern turns in to a great joke, there is no point in being nice to ppl.. so i told myself.. to juz stop giving a bloody damn abt them.. that doesnt mean i will be rude to them or anth lidat... i will juz nt bother.. that's all.. let me see hw long i can keep up this 'dun-care' attitude.. it is very hard u know?? arghh!!

anyways..juz saw a little girl fall down on my way back home.. i badly wanted to help her.. but like wat cat said.. i muznt be too nice to ppl.. they wud think i m a nut case then.. so many ppl saw her falling down n nobody went to help her.. so dis-heartening.. i m still in a dilemma whether to stretch out a helping hand to strangers as well as acquaintances voluntarily, without them asking me.. i used to be doing that till yesterday, till i heard those comments.. well.. anw, i juz dun feel lyk i m myself.. this change for a day has made me feel as if i m living in a stranger's body, with a different heart and a different soul which don't belong to me.. i feel so lonely within myself.. an empty feeling..i m so disturbed.. i m juz waiting to regain my self..

life is full of ups and downs.. i hv been wandering into my past very often.. my child hood days.. my days with varun.. those 6 years of my life were the most memorable, most luvly, most carefree life.. at that time, i badly wanted to grow up fast, looking at all the grown-ups around me.. now i know how brutally wrong that is.. i wish i were still a kid.. haiz.. i can only cherish my childhood memories cuz i know that i can nvr become a kid again.. i badly wanna meet varun and tok to him for a very looooong tym, about our child hood..abt hw each n everyday went past like a fairy tale..how poetic those days were.. like a fantastic dream.. we used to be so fascinated with each other... with every single thing we did.. varun luvd me unconditionally, when we were kids.. i luvd him a lot too.. we were always found together.. whether we fight or we play or we sleep.. we fight among ourselves, pull each other's hair.. n then we will put our arms across eacth other's shoulders n start playing.. a kid's life is so wonderful.. no cunningness.. no holding personal grudges.. i dunno what kinda affection that was.. a very innocent, pure, brotherly-sisterly, friendly, genuine care, concern n passion for each other.. it was like listening to mozart's violin and piano sonata.. music by the moon light.. sitting by the candle light.. haiz.. the last time i met varun was 3 years back.. i was surprised to hear the exact same thots, sentiments n emotions out of varun's mouth.. i din know our days together were so close to his heart.. in fact, a lot more than that of mine.. i m blessed to have such wonderful ppl around me.. i thank god for every thing that he has given me.. all i ask for is that i want all ppl around me to luv me a lot n treat me as their trust worthy friend, whom they can turn to wheneva they r in nid of help.. that's all..

life is full of contradictions.. cruelty.. ungratefulness.. distrust..
the battle between mind and heart continues..

posted by battle between mind and emotions at Thursday, December 18, 2008

hey.. has bin a year since i updated my bloggiee.. well.. a 12th grader's life sux.. but i guess i hv got used to it.. a few more months n i ll be outta this monotony..

well.. life's fine.. with loadsa frenz.. but u knw wat?? ppl say i m too nice to them n that makes them feel weird.. well.. i cant help it.. many ppl like me for hu i m.. n they giv me the freedom of expressing myself in my individual way.. they noe that i dunno hw to act in front of others n do smth else behind their baks.. i say wat i feel n i do what i feel is right. i hv bin trying to be as perfect a human as possible.. but ppl feel that it is too idealistic and they dun lyk that.. i hv forgotten how to be selfish, rude, mean n heck care kiond.. i care for evry one i know n pray for their well being and luv evry one i know... n ever since i came outta crez, ppl know me as the perfect human being.. they noe that i either luv them totally, or like them to a certain extent or am neutral towards them.. i can nvr hate any one.. not even the ones hu hv troubled me soo much, back stabbed me, hypocrites, or anyone hu has made my life miserable so far.. in fact, inside my heart, i thank them for doing such things cuz it has moulded me into a strong character but with a heart.. i know how it feels to be hurt by sum 1 n so i try my bez not to do it.. mebbe i hv hurt a few without my knowledge, but come on... i m a human after all..

i dun care wat they think abt me.. i will continue to be hu i am.. i will be nice to every one, as usual.. n if they feel weird, too bad.. i m juz lidat.. i cannot be mean to them or care any less abt themm..
ppl lyk my dear soulmate peng ke, my wonderful frend kenneth, hong han, chin sian, my sweetie cat, dorothy, and the most of all, varun, are the ones hu know me really well.. they have given me full freedom to be hu i m.. they nvr mistake me for any reason.. n i know that they r always there for me.. i m really blessed to hv such ppl in my life.. in fact, i m blessed with so many ppl arnd me, whether they like me or not... i luv all of themm.. that's all i know.. i want nothing but frendship in return to my luv, care n concern.. but if ppl r nt willing to open up their world to me, it is ok.. it is their own decision..

well.. i really miss my krss life.. my wonderful peng ke n all the tchrs there.. Life in giis is not bad.. at least, not as bad as i expected.. n krss classmates, the ppl of 4E6 2006 are the most wonderful, most mature ppl of my age hu i hv met.. human heart always realises the true value of smth when it isnt there.. but.. haiz.. it has bin a long tym since i had decided to follow god's plan for me, without questioning my faith in god.. so.. i guess there is a very exciting life waiting ahead of me.. i hv not even thot of harming othrs.. so i m sure god will not let me down at any point in time.. i hv bin telling myself every day that tomorrow will be a better day.. n i muz stop worrying about small issues.. today is the tomorrow that i worried about yesterday.. n there is always a tomorrow.. so there wont be any end to my worrying.. well.. i guess that's all for now.. me busy with mock exams n stuff.. so may not update frequently.. tc ppl.. all the best to every one.. i will pray for every one's well being.. n i will pray for world peace.. long liv humanity!!

posted by battle between mind and emotions at Wednesday, December 17, 2008