todae....hv nth much to say.......da day was so boring......had a nice recess, haix
so sien....went for htl....came back home so late....so tired lah....and can i have a request to all those ppl hu tag here? all da ppl hu tag crapp.....LISTEN!
I dun need any one's pity
anyway....HU R U TO PITY ME?!
i m writing MY feelings.....
N I DUN WANNA MARRY ANY DUMP!
i noe wat to do abt my health n my life.....time will cum to end my life.....
thx for ur concerns *TO THOSE HU R CONCERNED IN ME ENDING MY LIFE*
i dun wan any comments....abt my blog or my attitude or anything frm any unknown....i can b very dif frm my normal self when it cums to my reputation
dun try to b cheeky w ME! unless u wanna c my other side directly or indirectly
I dun care hu u r......I M HU I AM.....MY BLOG IS WAT IT IS....
I CAN NEVER EVER CHANGE IT TO SUIT ANYONE'S WISHES
I DUN CARE WAT U THINK
UNDERSTAND????!!!!
da ppl hu dun like me....thx a lot....thx for ur sweet comment tt i suck as a so called prefect
but it wld greatly be appreciated if u all (those hu sae i suck) SHUT UP!
I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY MORE NONSENSE!
i think i hv made myself clear enough......


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Wednesday, March 31, 2004

hie....

was juz tokin to farz abt camp....out of nth we started on dis topic....i remembered how i fell sick.....horrible man......mornign shouted like xiao in pt.....half head ache started...i was afriad tt i wld get migraine......den....went to toilet.....during break.....banged mi head against the wall....came out....banged against da door......head ache shot up like mad.....den wore no 4 u and i was at da peak of my head ache.....my migraine had started lor.....haix.....

i always fall sick at da wrong tym one lor.....part a camp....part b camp....train fire.....den crez awards....my pltn mates all made me jealous lor.....i hear frm dem tt one of our specs had won.....i cried upon hearing hu it was......haix......greeted dem today......sa sad tt i didnt get to go lor...... summore free of charge leh.....haix....no point worrying....as i have said b4, my fate is tt.....no one can change it....

sum one looked so pissed off todae....understood....did not bother her......so sad....first dae of sch muz c her pissed off one larh......aiyoh!

here is a very touching e-mail tt i received......

Dear Mommy, I am in Heaven now, sitting on Jesus' lap. He loves me and cries with me; for my heart has been broken. I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existance. I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping. Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me. Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy. That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me. The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't; all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all. I wanted more than anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead.I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone. The angel took me to Jesus and set me on His lap. He said He loved me, and He was my Father. Then I was happy. I asked Him what the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name of the monster. I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.

Love,
Your Baby Girl

dis shows how horrible abortion can be.....it is da feelings of a child tt has been aborted......i feel so sad for dis child.....it did not choose to die........when got so many ppl on earth hu r craving to die.....y muz god take an innocent life? i cried for tt baby....so sad....gtg liaoz.....byeeeezzz.....



posted by battle between mind and emotions at Tuesday, March 30, 2004

hi.....

cldnt go for nc todae liaoz......so sick......evry day having fever, headache n stomach ache early in da morning and at nite......last night, my temperature was 38.1.......to night gonna c doctor......experiencing dis same prob for da past one week.......very scary......

so boring at home.......miss pt n marching.......so sad.........missing a lot of arm drills.......i wish i had gone for activity todae.....but parents and grandma didnt allow......i wld hv gone.......budden mebbe wld hv reported sick dere.....didnt wanna b accused of not going home.....so listened to dem n stayed at home.....staring at four walls.....

so sad.....next week oso can only go after 10 am.....having higher tamil listening comprehension mid year exam.........so angry w htl centre....muz dey hv it on sat morn? will b missin pt again......so sad......haix......hate higher tamil....but sumtyms like it......sumtyms boring, sumtyms interesting......

still have a load of htl homework, two pieces of art work......n science chp 6 theory book, my most hatred chp as i always get all wrong in dis chp.....cant understand anything.......my classmates all get full marks in dis chp except me n farz......haiz....we r so weird n dif frm othr ppl.....

sum 1 went offline w out sayin gd bye to me.......i tink i pissed her off.......i hv been pissing off A LOT OF PPL for da past few days.......

juz realised tt i sincerely lurve singapore, da same amt as i lurve india! heard sum one tok bad abt s'pore n i went n scolded dem......den dey oso tok bad abt india....i oso scolded dem.....dis shows i lurve both of dem equally.....dey r like my two eyes(same old explanation).......cannot live w one eye.....with one ear.....yeah......got so agitated by dat person lor.......nvm

having fever n head ache again, temperature now is 37.9 degrees celsius......haix.....shivering a lot.....juz took a tablet...gonna c doctor soon...... wonder wat is wrong w me *thinks deeply*.......

gtg liaozzz.....byeeezzz..... *+,*


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Sunday, March 28, 2004

alo.......


this is da translation of a tamil saying oso......u can wake a person up from his sleep if he is really sleeping.....but u can never ever wake a person up if he or she is pretending to sleep.....in da same way......u can correct a person hu is really showing u black face and u can make them smile at u......but u can never ever correct a person hu is pretending to show black face to u n hu pretends to b pissed off w u.....haix.......

so happy for her tt she wasnt late.....i notice she has been coming early for this week.....*wonders why*....first person i saw when i reported to my foyer duty was her......so shocked! didnt expect such a pleasant shock!

budden, when one of my class mates came late.....n i booked her....her father asked her, " Ms (her name), r u late today? " my class mate replied, " yes pappaa "

then her father asked why she told him tt dis tym is not considered late....she said tt yest she wasnt late....den the father started screaming at me.......summore my partner....sec 3 councillor wasnt dere....i m not used to dis kinda screaming though i m used to, frm my own parents, den he said, i noe u r prefects n tt u r all brilliant, u muz relax da sch rules a bit, 1, 2 mins late muz not mind, got traffic jam, blah blah blah.....i was totally shocked...... i was agitated but controlled my anger, stayed calm, and started toking politely,

sorry sir but rules r set to b followed n we hv no rites to relax dem according to suit our conveniences, tt's y we hv two bells ringing to allow the pupils to hv a warning n she is expected to reach da parade sq by the second bell, n so on....he still wldnt listen....but luckily francessca and nicole were there.....they oso xplained to him n i carried on booking my class mate......tt parent asked me to show him my watch, i did so n said tt it was nine mins fast, he asked wat is the tym tt is not considered late, n i said 7:22 am when da 2nd bell goes......he saw my name tag n took down my name.....

aftr he was gone, i asked both of dem wat if he called up da sch n complained n wat if he makes up stories abt me? dey said i wasnt at fault n wat i did was rite....so dey said nth to worry, n dey were quite angry w my partner hu was sup to do duty w me but wasnt dere......

later during pe, my class mate apologised on the behalf of her father n oso tt she did not mind me bkin her as she was at fault.....such a nice class mate.....i m so proud of her.....

life sux lor.....i find going to sch so xien.....juz tt dun wanna b at hme......i go to sch.....lost hope in eng.......lost interest in math n sci....though i still get the marks i want....which i dunno how n why.....i wonder y i cant get tt kinda of marks for eng....need tuition frm ms chua, apart frm my tuition i tink.....so sad, ms chua will b going off soon....i wld miss her........no more miss yew....i miss miss yew.....miss wong rox too....dey all r so nice......but life still sux to the core.....tmr muz go for nc.....yeah!!! so happy......but i find evryting so boring.......i was juz abt to slip n fall in the middle of da road when i was crossing it, i wish i had ended my life there...... all i wish is only one thing, i shldnt hv another birth........ my fate is to live n suffer....sec 2 sooooo stressful..soooo much homework sia........ i shall leave evry ting to god, n wateva i m fated to wld happen......

byeez......

posted by battle between mind and emotions at Saturday, March 27, 2004

hi.....nth much happened to dae....very little things happened......but were damn exciting..... /i:li:n/ was very cute todae.....sum 1 oso very nice todae.....so sad cant go crez awards......very scared to go n ask pappaa for $5 to go for sumth tt is not compulsory.....cant xplain to him y i wanna go....actually i wld do anything for SUM PPL....but i very scared liaoz..... so happy sum 1's friend called me _______ of sum 1.......i tink only farzanah will understand wat dis is.......didnt realise another sum 1 was sitting rite there....but was sooooo engrossed in doing Science.....evry one says tt dey get full marks in sec 2 science chapter 6 & 7 but i get all wrong only in dis two chapters.....haix....i m so weird...nvm....i at least get A1 for science......and maths....my dad was so happy i got 4 A1s for common test....but he is very ridiculous.....he wants me to get A1 for all the subjects.....summore wants me to get full marks in all subjects.......other subs mebbe can....but english....my compre and compo sux like hel.....nvm......i shall try my level best.......yesterday....happy in school.....at home.......lost all my peace......evry ting oso my fault....if i get too happy in sch....i muz be looking forward to lose my peace at home....it is always liddat....i shall not b happy in sch......no matter wat happens in sch......i shall try my best not to b too happy in sch.....i dun hv sumting called privacy......dey muz take my things....i evry week arrange my bookshelf as i m a so called organized and neat person......but they dun let me b organized....anyhow go n mess up mi things.....! no wonder i m starting to lose many of my things lor.....my calculator....my maths text book oso u noe!

my younger sister another one......give her a bit of liberty, muz climb on my head one.....i told my mother to compare the way i treat my sis w da way other ppl treat their sisters.....my mother said......our culture is totally different frm theirs.....wat nonsense is she toking lor......FINE! I shall obey my mother and shut my mouth.....i shall not say a word as i dun even hv the rits to say......

my dearest sum ppl.....pissed off w me as i was lying down in front of dem when dey were spending all their energy......dey said i shld hv gone home da mom i was sick during da camp......u tink i m such a goon to stay in sch when i m given a choice whether to go home or stay in sch arh???? well i m stupiddest stupid....idiotic idiot....but not to the extent tt i dun wanna go home when i m sick and i m givem a chance to go home......but y did i didnt wanna????? my mom was suspecting a lot......OMG! how u expect me to go home?!

my grandma.....pestering me to go n study now......fine....i shall go n be an obedient girl....i decided to b very nice!!!!! FINE! HAPPY?!



posted by battle between mind and emotions at Friday, March 26, 2004

Fine!!!!! say hi.....dun wanna reply!!!! muz hv all probs w me only arh????!!!!
m i da only goon in dis wide world???? cant forget camp.....on my b'dae eve, b'dae n day aftr b'dae.....i hope i can get tt oppurtunity w the same batch of ppl another tym in my life......I dun wan ROD to cum......reminded of tt horrifying terrifying thing suddenly.........arghhhh!!!!!!! nvm....i shall try to get ovr it when tym cums.......i shall stay w sweet memories aftr ROD like i m doing aftr last yr ROD!

but i wan other ppl to remember....words that r being used on others cannot b taken back.....said is said....actions oso cant b taken back... negative words and actions tt hurt other ppl leave a scar behind in their heart permanently....nvm

went to farz's hse to make cake for practise for homecons prac. test.....chatted w my dear sis....in farz's ID.... she tot it was farz.....i tink she freaked out....she quickly go n appear offline....had a nice tym freaking aish out.....pretended to be sum 1 else....tok to her in a dif tone....very exciting sia....i tink she wld hv understand how much farz was freaked out when aish called farz n said tt it was my dear sis.....nvm....

juz remembered wat happened yesterday......i went to the temple....to c a dance performance.....i didn't noe y dere was dance performance all of a sudden......only aftr going there did i realise tt it was the telugu(a religion of indians) new year.......guess hu i saw! Mr S.R. Nathan, da president of s'pore and his wife, da first lady of s'pore...... i very badly wanted to tok to her.....as i felt as though sum 1 had pressed a rewind button in my life.......i was reminded of wat had happened when i was in primary five......i shall bring u to my past......

it was children's day celebration in the year 2001, at ,my pri sch, Clementi Primary School...... it was sept 30th.....we all were waiting eagerly to receive da first lady of s'pore.....i was standing there nervouslessly, wordless......as i was da only person performing for her, a dance.....n was da only person selected to interact w her...... i was puzzled y dey had chosen me....though i felt honoured.......i found out tt it was becuz i m 1 yr younger than my level mates as i m born in 1991......dey knew tt i started, in my beloved India, K 1 at da age of 2 and a half.....i was so shocked.......

i was in my dance make up......my level mates, guys came n teased me.....dey said i was blushing a lot.......finally the long awaited tym came......mrs nadhan came....i performed my dance....den i went to tok to her......gave her a boquet......i was like reciting smth tt i had memorised......when i actually did not do tt.....hahazzzz.......lol.....feel so stupid when i think of tt......aftr the so called recitation of abt 60 lines....for 15 mins..... i juz went off.....den i heard sum 1 calling my name.....it was my teacher....she said tt mrs nadhan was calling me....i went, anxiously........she asked me....." Could I have a photo w u pls..." i was so maluated........i was supposed to ask tt as it is an opportunity tt not evry one wld get.....in the end.....took five pics w her....got one of them, the best shot.....enlarged w her signature, which was sent to my hse by post.......

the mom i met her at da temple.....she tot deeply for a while, den she was like " weren't u da one hu performed for me at clementi pri sch? i took a few photos w u rite? " den i was like...." erm....yes ma'am....thx for remembering me ma'am..........how r u ma'am? " den she replied " i m fine thankyou....y did u not perform ur dance here? " den i said, " i wasnt able to allocate tym for dis, ma'am " den tok for a while.......den bid farewell n came home.....

this is da first tym ever tt i feel proud of myself..... or rather i feel so honoured.....hahahazzzzz.....

gtg now liaozzz.... byeezzzz

posted by battle between mind and emotions at Tuesday, March 23, 2004

So happy! wonderful b'dae at camp....got b'dae wishes frm pltnmates, n sum othr ppl....SO UNEXPECTED! evryting was fine, juz tt reported sick da whole day.....evry b'dae muz hv sumting one larh.......i predicted it correctly......i asked my respected NCO whether it was ok if i cannot cum for da camp.....she asked y n i said tt i hv a bad luck tt i muz hv sumting wrong on da days bear my b'dae n on my b'dae......last yr, fractured ankle, cldnt go for part a camp as doctor said cannot, now sort of migraine, vomitting, giddy, headache, stomach ache....haix......hope less.....dunno how to find out sumting...so confused.......

anywaes, found out tt sum ppl.....nvm.... i tink mi close frenz wld noe wat i wanna say.......but was restless.....hvn't finished hw, juz finished eng, still hv maths, science, and higher tamil....stupid....muz do 5 bk reviws, 5 newspaper articles......and a stack of worksheet....or rather junk.....

i luv eng but i get A1 for HTL.....i luv Geog.... but better at history, i luv homec but better at D & T....haix....dunno wat to take, hist or geog...take the sub i like or i m better at...so confused :S....nvm, hw in maths or sci i dun mind....but stupid HTL...father ask me to quit, which is impossible.....aftr studying for 1 1/4 yrs how to quit...he says it is a waste of tym go dere den reach home at 8:30 pm on tuesdays, aftr finishing council meeting and touch rugby in school........so tiring on tuesdays......

but the best on tuesdays is da recess......nvm..... hope dey dun change time table....i m full of hopes n b liefs, nothing for sure....all in god's hands.... dun care which god it is, whether hindu gods, or allah, or jesus christ or buddha, any god, any religion, any race is ok for me, i juz b lieve in all gods....all r same for each one of us aftr all..........

hate tamil n english man....actually lurve eng like xiao.....but since i always get C in eng.....lost hope oredi......i m in a lost world....so confused, having a mixed feeling of restlessness, happiness, sadness, anger and hunger.........OMG!

life sux.....i wish i juz collapse at any mom....dis is my onli relaxation....stupid ppl ask me to study straight aftr camp.....immediately aftr bathing....they wan me to die issit? dey wan me to study w all my health complaints mentioned above issit? i tell u arh....i will die from stress.....i m gonna die very soon.....i bet i will.....

juz b cuz of master parade, i endured all my sickness.......i was abt to faint when dey ask us to march in da parade sq...aftr master parade......but the mom heard them command us w a BRAVO in it...instead of Alpha or Alpha 2.......all my sickness disappeared but recurred again when back home.......

so happy, sum 1, though she said as a whole, still i m one of da ppl she was tokin to.....asked us to go n c doctor if we felt tt our health was ' deteriorating '.....so happy!! but so sad!! nvm........ i m a nobody to evryone..... i m non-existing......i m place for family mem. n fellow level mates to vent their anger on......i m a rubbish bin w all junk....i m da worst in the world......no one is like me.....i m a stupid junk........cant even get a B in eng....gonna ask another teacher for help in eng as cannot understand present teacher's explanation......also going for english tuition.....so stressful....*wonders how sec 4s cope up with*, esp. with Os and so may subs....haix.....

feel like going back to home land, my dear INDIA! life there rox......i m proud to say tt i m a non-singaporean in s'pore NCC......India rox....s'pore oso rox..........i sincerely luv s'pore.......gtg n do hw......byeeeezzz..........*+,*

posted by battle between mind and emotions at Sunday, March 21, 2004

So pissed off! i dun exist issit????? am i a nobody??? nonononono, i m not, since there is a saying ' NOBODY is perfect ' dunno wat da heck is gonna happen on my b'dae lor....so i m a no one... i acknowledge ppl, they dun wanna acknowledge me back....issit my fault tt i hv two eyes? and two ears to c evry ting tt is happening around me? i wanna enjoy life oso cannot! :@ i like both of dem leh... i hv two eyes! imagine a world w out one eye... omg! can walk w one leg? can u clap w one hand? cannot rite? i oso cannot live w out both of dem....can u walk w one shoe? one slipper? w out two ears? they both r in da same position in my ranking......EQUAL!!! i hope i wun hv ppl showing black face to me on my b'dae n pretend as though i dun exist....i hope my way of life changes!!!! *filled with hopes* *waits eagerly for changes* i shall not cry anymore as my eyes r red, sore and swollen, muz take care cuz got camp tmr....*wipes off tears* anywaes...so nice to hv a blog....so sad wun b c ing u for 3 days.....i notice i cry a lot nowadays BECAUSE OF SUM PPL......i shall do da same thing to them then....c how they feel...i m a person hu ds not owe any one anything...wateva they gimme, i return them....they gimme black face, i oso return them......
gtg
byeeeezzz

posted by battle between mind and emotions at Wednesday, March 17, 2004

so happy! expected to c sum1 in sch....saw her! but at da same tym... very pissed off, according to my dear friend, she very tired. cannot smile at me one u noe...must stare one, xiao....my friend also pissed me off yest! she so bad, but i oso equally bad lah......made her angry w out noeing tt wati was saying wld make her angry. fine, nvm, 4geddit. all prob solved oredi! hahahahahahahahahahaah! i m going crazy! i m mad! my b'dae cumin liaoz....expecting presents frm dearest pltn mates (so thick skin). 2nd day of camp! dunnno wat the heck i m gonna do then.....and 1 more ting! dear pltn mates, pls pass da message tt da othr small bag u r supposed to bring must be big enough to fit all 4 1.5 litre bottles inside...thx
gtg liaoz, buaizzz.......

posted by battle between mind and emotions at Wednesday, March 17, 2004