alo...

long tym nvr blog..one outta 7 days of exams has bin ovr..a lot of things hv bin happening..but too lazy n v long to write here..anw i din noe mrs gam had such a sad side of her life..i pity her..all her temper n tantrums r forgiven..it is resonable fer her to have dun so la..i can understand hw hard it is..i m glad she dsnt torture othr classes n takes rites w us n shows all her temper on us..nvm...let her b tt way...i shall b nice to leave her to let out her anger, sadness n frustration on us..i shall tolerate dem..

eng exam is dun w..compre was horrible...summary was equally horrendous.. haiz..but compo n report i think i hv dun much better dan da othr tests n exams...haiyoah..i feel so stressed! i hv revised all my othr subs like 5 tymz?! n i hv bin revisin regularly evrydae..n i still dun feel confident lorh! wo pu zhi tau! i dunno! i really really dunno watta sae leh...haiz..

nvm..i got no mood to blog oredi..so sian..i feel so useless...juz rottin dwn here..no mood to study oso...n last nite was practisin writin essays until 11 n had dinner at 11.15 pm..den practised a bit more n read up sum vocab phrases..den went to bed at 12...den until one i cldnt sleep...so i came back out of da rm n set up my study table to study again...i studied until 4.30 am... altogether, i wld hv written abt 10 dif types of essays n wld hv read up 2 bks of gd phrases...still din feel sleepy...den forced myself to sleep as tt day was examination day...den slept frm 4.30 to 5.30 am...n den got ready fer school..until nw, hv bin surviving w 1 hr of sleep..haiz....dunno hw many more days i will hv to suffer frm temporary insomnia..mebbe until exams r ovr..but i dun think i can sleep aftr tt cuz i will b worried abt my results...haiz..

ok..nivy relax....dun b so stressed n tensed up..evry one goes thru da same thing as u do.. dun think too much n dun wry too much..leave evrything to god...can get wad u want..b confident...mebbe revise evrything 2 more tymz.. practise doin more exercises...practise makes perfect...hv determination to make a few ppl lose face n get gd results..when dere is a will, dere is a way... n dun always think u wld do badly...expect da unexpected..u can do it! JIA YOU NIVY!


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Friday, September 24, 2004

alo..

at hme..resting..in one of my subdued moments..still feeling da same...i juz measured temp n it is 37.8...cough n sorethroat gettin worse..my sis watchin da video of my family, taken in 2001...mann i tell ya i'll cherish tt every moment mann...was hvin a peaceful life..altho had exam stress n i was in P5 since it was my first year of singapore studies...it was hardta catch up w da syllabus.. budden compared to da stress rite nw, tt one was much better n bearable..my family was close-knitted...ok..correction..it is still close-knitted..juz tt i dun spend much tym w dem i i feel so lost..

when i cum hme, i either study or do hw n projects...den i eat n den i go to sleep...n summore my dad has taken up a course n he is doin part-time..da rest of da day, he will b in his office..he cumz hme da earliest is 11 pm..my mum is doin full time PhD, research on west nile virus n she oso cumz hme at 10.30 only...by tt tym i will b very sleepy n i will b gettin ready to go to bed..

when i was in P5 i can afford to be awake until 12+ in da midnight oso...cuz my sch was aftrnoon session...nw i cant afford to b awake so late(altho sum of my werk drags my tym n keeps me awake until 12+, 1+)cuz hv to wake up at 5 am...haiz..n tt tym, i was so petted n pampered, so innocent n i was not exposed to the outside of my hse...so did not noe abt da unreasonable side of da werl...at tt tym , my werl was only my family...nw i m more exposed to da werl...n at dis tym, my parents r not free...

hw i wish i was in india....hvin da peaceful life...a routine life..everyday wake up at 7 am..den play skippin fer 30 mins..den rest fer 5 mins den go n bathe..cum outta da rest rm aftr 20 mins..den get dressed in my sch uniform, eat n den leave fer sch at 8.30 am...sch starts at 9 am..sch is a 2 minute walk frm hme..can c my sch frm my terrace...it shares our compound wall..juz tt we hv to go aroung the wall n dere is my school...

den aftrnoon cum hme fer lunch...lunch break is fer 45 mins...othr pupils will bring food frm hme to sch to hv lunch dere...den go baq to sch n return hme at 5 pm..den evy alt days got dance class n da remaning days got music class...so cum hme, hv a bath den change in to my dance uniform n go fer dance class which is 5 min walk frm my hse..class is fer 2 hrs...den cum hme at 8+ den bathe again...den start doin my hw frm 8.30 pm...n it will last me until 10 pm...den i watch tv until 10.30 n den sleep...it is da same when i hv music class...my grandma or one of our maids will bring me to da class n dey will either wait dere or cum hme n cum baq to pick me up...

n summore had v little stress dere as i will mostly b da 1st or 2nd in my class...n da rule in my sch is tt da person hu gets 1st in class will b da class leader(wat u call chairperson here)n dey will b given two badges, "First Rank" and "Class Leader"...n da person hu gets second will b da class' assistant leader(wad u all vice chair person here) n will b given a badge "Second Rank"...n da one hu usually competes w me will b a girl called Ranjini...she will foreva treat me as her 'enemy' n i will do so too...she was my only rival dere...

haiz...baq to reality..past is past...present is present...fate is fate..not say i dun like to live in s'pore...juz tt dere is too much stress here...if dere is da same amt of stress as much as in india..mann...dis will b my gr8est part of my life...haiz...enough of flash baq..


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Saturday, September 18, 2004

at hme..temp is abt 37.8 degree celsius..now...i juz dun understand y ppl cant accept me as i m n dey expect to b perfect..dey r not perfect n dey think wad, dey hv da guts to argue w me..i can juz feel my head ache n temp rising...pls get dis in to ur brains tt u r not perfect..u jolly well stop criticisin me..u r not fit to criticise me..u look at urslef first b4 commentin abt others...juz cuz dere r 15 of dem hu support u, n a few more, it dsnt mean tt u r perfect...n u urself agreed tt 15 of dem say i shd change...but u dunno hw many others r happy w me as i m..dey r called true frenz..

anw, as i hv said, my parents luv me nw, my sis is tailin behind me all da tym, my grandma and all my relatives r v compassionate towards me..n dey hv many dreams abt me...so i dun care wad u all say, i will b like dis n not change anymore..i cant change my wholeself juz fer da sake of 15 ppl...my character got prob den it is my own prob la..i noe i ask u all...u all juz ans tt n juz shut up n not a word more dan dat, juz like hw u all expect me to b(shuttin up n listening to ppl is wad u all call not being defensive...hidin all ur health probs, not makin dem obvious n spoilin ur health is wad u all call endurance..ok la mebbe u all r born fit, i m not...it is in my genes n i cant change my genes...)so i wanna make my relatives' dreams cum true..n my attitude n character is accepted by dem...so i m not gonna concentrate in all dese useless things anymore..i realise i hv wasted a lotta tym in dis useless thing...i cld hv dun much better things...dis is nvr gonna help me as much as my studies help me in my future life...n i dun think many of u r gonna stay w me thruout my entire life...i bet u all give an excuse tt my character is bad n u all will juz forget me aftr 2 or 3 yrs aftr sec 4...

n anw, i dun think i will b stayin in singapore thruout my whole life...so..y bother? well..u all can juz waste ur tym criticisin me n finding faults w me when i finish askin u all abt my probs a long tym b4...n u all can juz ignore me or forget it...i will juz b hurt..but d u all care abt it? NO..so y shd i care when u all dun care abt my own feelings?

dere is a sayin in tamil nalla maattukku oru soodo, nalla peNNirku oru vaarthai..

it means tt a cow will start pullin a cart aftr bein beaten once...in da same way, a girl shd noe tt she is beyond her limits aftr being told once...

i noe i m not at fault..my gd frenz n relatives noe tt too...u all can call me wadeva u want..but all dese sins is nvr gonna let u all...nvm, i shant say...so far, all dose hu hv given me troubs hv nvr bin in a gd position...pls dun get urselves into deep shit...if u still wanna continue n prove urself to b worse dan a cow, u can carry on by all means..tt's all i can say


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Friday, September 17, 2004

alo..

in comp lab hvin cs again..not feeling well..hving fever cough n i lost my voice too...still deciding if must go fer htl or not..haiz..fer da past 3 or 4 days, i hv bin surviving with only 2,3 and 4 hrs of sleep lorh...very hardta concentrate in class...but i got no choice wad..hadta do the sana practical assignments, den had hist hw, den sci theory bk, den tamil hol hw which was to write a 10 weeks' journal entry..the teacher so ridiculous lorh..outta nth ask us to pass up our non-existent journal bk..we din even noe we had to hv one..den he say it is da htl centre's hand book..n he said, "i want 10 week's entries in it"...wad is dis lorh...so hadta do tt...den my parent's hw fer me, my tuition hw, den my own personal assignments...wah lao eh..so end up todae fever cough n sore throat...i m so loaded up w werk lorh...cant teachers understand that we have exams approachin n we hv to study? cant dey juz stop loadin hw like dis on us? y r dey so heartless?haiz..if dey think that we will only study if we do hw, not all of dem r lidat..dere r people hu study on top of deir hw...haiyoz...when r dey gonna understand? i oso dunno..

heard frm apurva that those takin htl will hv to take normal tamil durin our free periods nxt yr...haiz...so pointless..mebbe it is cuz we r takin our mtl o level nxt yr..

n forgotta tell u all guys that i m on mc fer 2 mths, August 24 to october 24...haiz...hopeless mann...

gtg rite nw..
i think i m not gonna go fer htl..
i m gettin worse..
bubbye..


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Friday, September 17, 2004

alo..

my comp is baq..i m glad it wasnt at hme during the hols...if it was, i wldnt hv managed to finish my hol werk n part of revision..i wld hv spent my tym in frnt of da comp..hahaz..no la...even if it had bin at hme, i wld still do my werk, juz tt i wld hv a bit of difficulty restrictin myself..hahaz..

anw, sana corse wasnt as interestin n fun as i tot it wld b, frm wad i heard frm ppl...dey said it was fun...have so many prac assignments to do...so hard to get da badge man..early morning, first sight i c on da first day of da first week of da last term of my second yr of secondary school...(so long-winded), was foot prints on my table...i was so pissed off lorh...den i went to da toilet to get tissue to wipe those off...haiz...dunno if it was done purposely or accidentally..nah..hu cares..

ms neo asked fer da gal w da longest hair in my class to ans one of her qns...most of my classmates said my name while sum of dem said jazlyn's name...den ms neo asked me to stand up..hahaz...i m so honoured to hv da longest hair in my class...i guess snr atiqah has da longest hair in da whole school...wow! tt's gr8 mann! hahaz..

anw, preparin fer exams...feelin so stressful..todae stayed baq in sch to do werk...i used to lurve homewerks...nw i m juz startin to hate dem lorh...teachers juz load hw lorh...many diff subs n less quantity, i dun mind..cuz got variety...but hw dey load is like many subs n all hv long long essays to write lorh...i think sec one hist was much better...but sec one geog was horrible fer me...sec two history is horrendous but geog is excellent..i think i m changin my mind n gonna opt fer geog nxt yr...i dunno leh...haiz....all in god's hands...

bubbye..


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Monday, September 13, 2004

wth man! u all think wad arh..one person say dis anthr person say smth else n ask me to listen to dem..hu u wan me to listen to? listen..u better gimme da blardie respect fer me..juz like hw i respect u, dun scream at u, dun get pissed off w u or dun tok bad abt u behind ur baq..u better dun do all dis..mind u, i can b worse dan wad i m rite nw..i can behave worse, tok worse n do worse things dan i m doin rite nw..n i m oso a short-tempered person..i m not ur servant maid or a slave to u fer u to order me arnd.. even a servant maid shd b treated w respect..n hu gave u da permission n authority to order me arnd? r u my boss or smth? even if i hv such a boss, i will quit my job i tell u..u jolly well gimme my due respect as ur fellow sch mate/batch mate..nw i really cant b bothered if u hate me, like me or wadeva bull shit! juz gimme my blardie respect...i nvr harmed u.. my acts usually dun harm anyone..most to most i will juz grumble to myself, be sad fer a while, den console myself, or pour out all my anger by tokin to sum one, n forget it..ur insults r all so unprovoked..i nvr tok bad abt u behind ur baq, cuz i directly tell u wad i dun like abt u..u jolly well tell me directly n dun gossip abt me behind my baq..if u cant tell me directly, better juz shut ur blardie mouth n keep dem to urself..i dun wan u to go arnd, sayin bad things abt me n influencin othrs to b against me..n dose ppl hu listen to her, pls have sum common sense n a mind of ur own n think twice before thinkin tt wad she says is true.. n i wun hesitate to apologise if i noe i m at fault..if i dun realise, u can cum n tell me. i give u da privilege to cum n tell me directly..but make sure u say it in a polite way n dun juz start yellin at me..i hv nvr screamed at u..n i m sry fer screamin at u rite nw..but juz remember tt dere is a limit to evry thing, n u r beyond ur limits rite nw..u better go baq to ur limits n not beyond it any more..if i find tt u r beyond ur boundary again..i can tell u tt u r gonna get it..not frm me dun wry..i still respect u..cuz i hv no rites to not respect as i m a person hu believes tt god is inside evry one n evry single soul on earth has to b respected..even animals n horrible creatures..tt's y i apologised fer my use of 'blardie' n fer my tone..n u better learn hw to b humble n understand othrs..dun juz roam arnd like a lunatic..

u hv to win urself in order to b fit to compete w others in da semi- finals of da competition called life..muz learn hw to control ur anger n emotions..dun juz scream at ppl fer no reason n get pissed of w dem..learn hw not to b jealous..n learn hw to understand others, deir emotions, deir health n deir physical abilities..dun any hw accuse ppl of doin things..dun suspect or lk dwn on othrs w out noein tt dey hv strong proofs..evry one is equal on dis earth..even a poor person hu is earnin money by singing n entertaining us at da mrt stations n othr public places, may hv othr inner talents, even tho dey r visually impaired or w any othr disabilities..we still hv to respect dem..learn hw to b generous..all in all, behave like a girl, a mature girl..b a perfectionist..NOTE: A PERFECTIONIST IS NOT A PERSON WHO IS PERFECT BUT WHO WANTS EVERY THING TO BE PERFECT... dun get me wrong..i m not sayin tt i hv all dese qualities..but i hv realised tt i lack sum of dese qualities n i m werkin on dem to improve..n i m askin u to realise tt u lack sum of dese..n TRY to change, like me...even if da change is not obvious, i will still count it as u at least tried n i wun torture u mentally..(like sum others)

okay..sry ppl..cool dwn nivy..y r u screamin like dis? wad happened to ur timidness n a little patience? cool dwn..relax..forgive n forget..ok..let's change topic..

sch was as usually stressful..had aad, orienteerin..got othr things..but as u all noe, i m surffering frm short-term memory..so i dunno wad else happened..haiz..dad plannin to change comp at hme..rite nw in comp lab hvin cs again..

anw, yest had arm-drills practice..my ankle is much more swollen dan usual..n i m havin muscle aches all ovr my body..i reached home yest at 6.00pm..washed my face, too tired to even eat, budden managed to finish eatin..den went to da sofa n slept..aftr 30 mins, my grandma woke me up to go n bathe..den i did as i was told to do so..den came baq n went baq to da sofa again..was plannin on wadta study..den watched tv as it was on n my sis was watchin it..den i watch until i fell asleep..den 11.00 my grandma asked me to go to our bed..den i sleepily went dere n slept again..i only woke up dis morning 5.30..haiz..nw i feel so guilty fer not studying yest..

dis morning i was so sleepy when i went fer morning assembly.. i was juz mechanically movin frm place to place..den dey had oratorical contest..i usually will b very interested in it..but todae, it juz made me feel more sleepy..went fer sci n nth enetered my head, wadeva mrs goh said..she was explainin abt smth all da while n aftr she finished, i asked her da same qn abt wad she was explaining..i was so maluated..haiyoahz...anw, by recess i was alrite..

anw, BELATED HAPPY B'DAE DIANA(27 AUG) N DEAR JIE JIE SABRINA(2 SEP)!

tmr hv CIP n den hv nc..hope i dun hv muscle ache again..
ok..
bubbye..


posted by battle between mind and emotions at Friday, September 03, 2004